Consider the Lilies...

This morning I woke up and was greeted by an all too familiar visitor, worry.

It came upon me pretty unexpectedly, like those beautiful sunshiny days in summer when out of nowhere it begins pouring down rain. That is my favorite kind of rain; that kind of surprise is welcomed and enjoyed, like an old friend. Anxiety and worry, on the other hand, are more like old enemies beating down my door in the middle of the night. Unwelcome, and unwanted.

It's silly though...if they are so unwelcome, why do I constantly allow them a resting place in my heart and mind? Throughout all of my life that I can remember, these have been constant acquaintances. Even more, they've become the worst kind of close friend. They are always right there, waiting for one weak moment or stray thought to open the door and let them in to overtake my thoughts. 1 Corinthians 14:33 says "God is not a God of confusion, but of peace." These are definitely not peaceful thoughts, so I know that they come from the enemy. I try to "take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ"(2 Corinthians 10:5), and to "set [my] mind on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God" (Colossians 3:2). But often times, my flesh is stronger than my spirit, and I don't do this well.

So this morning worry and anxiety came in once again, and made themselves comfortable in my heart and mind- so much so that I couldn't really focus on anything other than my concerns. Of course I fueled them by checking the bank account one more time, working numbers in my head, and allowing myself to stray even further from focusing on the things of the Lord. Then I heard his voice loud and clear, convicting me of my sinfulness. I am a woman of little faith; I worry and fret, and don't trust the Lord. And how silly is this? God- the Creator of the Universe, who upholds the entire universe together by the word of his power (Heb 1:3)- I can't trust this God? How could I trust anyone else besides Him? He should be the One who is easiest to trust; He is most trustworthy. Every human around me will fail, as we are weakened by sinful nature. But He is everlasting, and perfect. And I don't trust him? Further proof of my sinful nature.

So this morning I went through and studied Scriptures that speak into worry and anxiety, and came again to a passage that I've visited many times, Matthew 6:25-34. It's neat how you can read something repeatedly, and each time something different stands out. This morning, it was this phrase "Do not be anxious." You probably think, "How could that not have stood out to her before? That's what the whole passage is about, that's what the little passage is titled by the translators...'Do Not Anxious.' Duh, it's everywhere." Well, that is all true. But this morning it was this realization: this isn't a suggestion, it's a command. I am confident that as believers we often relegate commands of Jesus to suggestions or individual callings, and for the first time I saw this in me in reference to this passage. Sure, Jesus says "do not be anxious," but I just can't help it! Just let me worry for a little bit, a few days, and then I'll really give it over to the Lord and let Him have His way.

Huh??

Jesus says "Do not be anxious." Does he leave any room for possibility, exceptions, excuses? Nope. He says "Do not be anxious." Even more, he says it 3 times in this passage. As you probably know, numbers are a big thing in the bible. Numbers have significance. What does 3 signify? Divine perfection or fullness. The fullness of God. Pointing to all the fullness of God, Jesus says 3 times "Do not be anxious." Seems like I should pay attention. Jesus goes on to tell us to look at the birds; they don't do anything to "merit" His provision or care, they don't even work! But God feeds them, provides for them, and cares for them. Aren't we more valuable than birds? He says look at the lilies; even Solomon, the greatest and wealthiest king of all time wasn't as beautiful as they. If God so clothes and makes so beautiful lilies (and he does, just look at this picture of some my wonderful husband got me this week), when they are here today and gone tomorrow, how much more will he clothe you and provide for you? Oh you of little faith. Oh me of little faith.

Jesus says don't be anxious, seek first His kingdom and righteousness. I say with my lips that I believe that bottom line, God is ultimately concerned for His glory, but my lack of faith contradicts that. Jesus says seek first God's Kingdom, righteousness- His glory- and all these things (clothes, food, etc.) will be added to me. So let's refocus, Chas. Seek first His glory. His renown. And guess what Jesus says in a similar passage in Luke? After encouraging us again to not worry and to consider the lilies, Jesus says "Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the Kingdom" (Luke 12:32). Woah! So Jesus says "don't worry, seek my kingdom, and all these things will be added to you. Oh, and it's God's pleasure to give you the Kingdom. He's ready and eager to give you the Kingdom, so seek it." Jesus pretty much guarantees that these things will be added to us because he guarantees that if we seek the Kingdom God will give it to us; it is His good pleasure to give it to us!

I could say here how insane it is that the One God desires to give us His Kingdom. I mean, it is. But how sweet is that promise? Jesus says seek the Kingdom, and God promises to give it. So, God promises to "add these things" to us. God promises to provide and care for us. He says "Do not be anxious, I will take care of you. I take care of birds and flowers, and you are mine. Made in My image. My treasured possession; I gave my Son as a ransom for you. I will take care of you. Trust me."

This God gave of Himself for me. I can trust this God. What else do I have? "You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing" (Psalm 16:2). What good is financial security, a house, even a fridge full of food, if I don't have the Lord? Just another vain pursuit, more vanity, mere chasing after wind.

Paul says to not be anxious, but in everything by prayer and supplication present our requests to God and His peace, which passes all understanding, will guard our hearts and minds in Christ (Phil 4:6-7). Paul says PRAY. And Jesus' peace will guard you. So this is it. Why do I worry? Why do I fret? I am not praying. I am not seeking His Kingdom first by praying to Him about anything and everything. Insert plug for an awesome book on prayer that I've just read a couple of months ago "A Praying Life" by Paul Miller. Read it. After this morning, I will be re-reading that book again soon.

I am not praying; I am not using my most effective tool as a Christian soldier (Eph 6), so why am I so surprised that the enemy has full reign? Not only am I not praying, I am not remembering. I am not remembering the very nature of God. His nature is faithful. Trustworthy. The most quoted bible verse in the bible is this, Exodus 34:6-7, “The LORD, the LORD, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness, keeping steadfast love for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin..."

He is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness. Praise God for his mercy, because I daily sin against him by doubting Him. Praise God for his faithfulness, because He is faithful to provide. He has always been faithful to provide (how ungrateful I am!), and He cannot go against his character and nature. Lord, teach me to pray. Teach me to trust. In the words of the man whose son Jesus was healing from demon oppression, "Lord, I believe! Help my unbelief!"

Every creature is made to worship God.

Warning. Some may consider this the length of a novel. I write this mostly for myself and John, that we can remember this night; that we will be accountable to continue to pray and walk in obedience. I pray that if you read it, you will see that God is drawing the nations to himself, and that He alone is worthy of worshipping. This is not to point to us, but to the Father. That He is the one who works, stirs, and saves. I also ask that you would pray for our friend.



Shortly after John and I got married, we noticed a local service station near our apartment. The signs on the building showed they were the cheapest place in town so, of course, in June when both of our inspections were up, we took our cars to the station.

John went on a Tuesday, stopping on his way home from work. While his car was getting fixed, he began talking to the Middle Eastern man who was helping him. Enter N. N is a 39 year old Jordanian man. After learning of N's roots, John shares with him that he recently spent time in Israel, and that he thinks the Middle East is very beautiful. N proudly spoke of his homeland, naming all the places we have to visit if we ever go. John also met a few other of the men working there, found out a couple of them were from Morocco, and shared with them that we would be going there in July. After naming off all of the places we had to see in Morocco, John's car was finished, and he left.

On Thursday, I stopped at the station for my inspection. I told the man that was helping me that my husband had been in just a few days before, and he quickly said "OH! You go to Morocco?!" I smiled and said yes, told N I had heard that he was from Jordan, and once again N began to tell me of all the places I must visit if ever I go there. In some way that could only be explained by God's hand and Holy Spirit, our conversation moved to spiritual things. For over an hour N and I talked about Islam and Christianity. He is a devout Muslim, has performed the Hajj three times, and is very sure of his faith. He was very gracious with me (a woman) letting me ask him questions about the details and practices of his faith, and patiently listening while I shared with him the differences in Christianity. He told me of his wife and children who are living in Jordan, still. How he misses them, and calls them every day. He ended by giving me the name and number of a lady friend of his who had been Catholic, but now was a Muslim. He wanted me to get together with her- basically so that she could convert me to Islam. Unfortunately, on the way home that slip of paper flew out the window. God's sovereignty? :) I thanked N for talking with me, telling him he had taught me so much. After I left I called John immediately, sharing with him about our conversation. It was clear that the Lord had put this man in this station 1.5 miles from our apartment for a reason. We had to be obedient.

So ever since then, John has been intentional about going to the station and talking with the men who work there, mostly N. When his A/C was broken this summer, he went to N. Over time they exchanged numbers, would occasionally text message, and at one point exchanged a copy of the Bible and the Qur'an. The had spiritual conversations, talked about the Word, and their relationship deepened.

Last night, N came over to our apartment for dinner. He was, of course, 45 minutes late (in true Middle Eastern fashion), but came bearing gifts! At some point he had told John he would teach us how to make Turkish coffee, so he came with a pot, coffee, and his favorite cookies. Unfortunately he forgot the little cups (which is why he was late- he went to stores searching for them!) but promised that he would get us some and have them at the station, telling John to stop by and get them. Towards the end of the evening, N would take over our kitchen, teach us how to make Turkish coffee, and leave us equipped with all the goodies to do so!



As I was praying yesterday morning, the thought crossed my mind "I wonder if he will be at our apartment during the call to prayer?" Though we live nowhere near a mosque, a devout Muslim will still bow towards Mecca five times a day and pray. I shared this thought/fear with John, and asked him "What would we do? Can you imagine him bowing down in our apartment and praying?" John said that he thought he would be over after the evening call to prayer, so there was no need to worry. Well, maybe it was the Lord preparing us.

As soon as N walked in, greeted us, and gave us the gifts, he said to John "Okay, I need to pray because I missed the evening call." John asked him where he needed to go, and N said "Just any clean place." I shared with him that we are pretty clean people, so he walked into the living room, found the Northeast, and began to chant and pray.

So here we are. In our apartment. He is facing our bookshelf with all of our bibles and commentaries, but he looks straight through it. Focusing on Mecca and Allah, he begins to pray. He begins to bow down. He recites the Sunni Adhan. "Allahu Akbar. Ash-had an la ilaha illa lah. Ash-hadu anna Muhammadan rasulullah." In English- God is greater than any description. I testify that there is no deity except for God. I testify that Muhammad is a Messenger of God.

So. What do you do in this situation? Well, if he is praying, we should pray too! John and I begin to silently pray for N. We pray that he will know that Jesus Christ is the only way to God. That as he prays he will feel unease and restlessness, that he will feel his prayers are bouncing off the ceiling. That this apartment would be flooded with light and truth. That as he prays he would see Jesus. That the enemy and lies and deception would have no place in our home.

After a few minutes N says "Okay, I am done." Sits down on the couch, and we just begin to talk. About his day, whether he was busy, if he likes baseball and he quickly shares with us how upset he was about the loss the night before. How Cliff Lee did a not so good job. We begin to eat spaghetti and Italian (turkey) sausage. John tells him "Okay, N, we are having spaghetti and sausage, but it's Turkey sausage, not pork." N says to us "I trust you completely." We eat. We talk. He helps himself to seconds. He tells us about his parents and how he grew up. He tells us about what he did in Jordan before moving to America. We ask him how he learned to be a mechanic, if he misses his family (he literally runs to his car to get a picture of his children), and he tells us he video skype's with them daily. He tells us of his first love, how it went wrong, then how he met his wife and married her. He tells us that for a long time he was a Muslim only by name, but after his first love got married to someone else, he began to pray and work and became a real Muslim. We begin to talk about faith. He says that when he reads the Qur'an, he feels peace. That soon after he repented, he had a dream. He was sitting at a table reading the Qur'an, and he took his heart and placed it in his hands, and began to work to scrub away and cleanse and purify it. He says he works to clean his heart, that the Qur'an helps as well. I share with him that Jesus said "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God." But that in my own power I cannot make my heart pure. I am a sinful person, I cannot clean my heart; only Jesus can clean my heart. N listens respectfully, as always, and goes on to talk about his faith. He brought us a book about Understanding Islam, told us that to believe in Allah we need only to repent and he will forgive us. That he loves us. That he is just. That all creation and all people were made to worship him (hey now...I think he's onto something). But that after we repent we must work and be good. We talk about "hellfire" and paradise. We talk about good and bad deeds. We ask him what happens if a Muslim were to die doing a bad deed? He says "Ohh that will not be good. That is not good." We ask him "What if your good and bad deeds are 50/50?" He says you go to the inbetween. You pray to Allah, and after a time he will bring you into Paradise.

He shares with us that he loves Jesus. He is ready for Him to return. We are too, but we believe that what happens at His return is very different from what N believes. We talk and talk. He shares with us. We share with him. He shares his life with us. We share our lives with him. We tell him excitedly that we will be going to Jordan next summer and he smiles so big and says "OH! I will try to go the same time as you! I would love that very much. I will show you around. I will try to go at the same time to be there with you." Lord, what?? It is only the grace of God that has brought this man to our apartment. It is God's hand that even causes this man to like us, to want to talk to us, to respect us although we believe differently, to want to spend time with us, to tell us it is an honor to be in our home and that he is "So very happy" to be with us. Nothing we did made this man like us and want to be friends with us- it is the Father. And not only that, during this evening we grew to love this man. We love him. God created Him in His image, He is sinful just like us, and God desires that He be brought from death to life just as we were- not in our own power, but in the power of Jesus Christ. We love this Jordanian man, and he seems to love us, too. My heart began to break for him, to be completely burdened for him, as he talked about his faith I almost began to cry in anguish for him.

He is devout. He is sure of his faith. He is devoted to Allah. He is faithful to pray, give, to do Hajj, he is a faithful, devout, loving Muslim man. He is a good person.

And apart from Jesus Christ, he will spend eternity separated from the one true God.

I think the most difficult thing is that he is hopeful! He is peaceful! Most Muslim's we have met are miserable, they feel hopelessness when they pray or do Hajj, while N says the most peace he has ever felt was in the Sacred Mosque in Mecca. Surrounded by 4 million Muslims chanting to Allah, he feels at peace. This makes it so painful for us. He does not feel hopeless, or uneasy. He is loving, and feels loved. He is sure of his faith. More sure than most Believers I have ever met. The Father uses N to challenge us in our devotion to our faith, in our sureness. He also fills us with hope in knowing that only He can work in N's heart to draw him to the faith- and OH what a faithful servant he would be! We pray that his love and devotion would change to love and devotion and gratefulness to Jesus Christ for what He did on the cross. That N would rest in the knowledge that the work is done. Jesus is SEATED at the right hand of God. His work is finished.

N tells John to call him, John tells N to call him. N says "I will call you all the time!" He wants to take us to his favorite Mediterranean restaurant. He really wants to go to Jordan the same time is us, so he will plan that around our schedule. He is honored to have had dinner with us. He leaves to go home, and John and I begin to weep and pray for him. Praying that Jesus would show up in his dreams tonight, that on the way home his heart and curiosity would be stirred to read the Bible. We pray that Jesus would save him.

God is in the business of saving people- of drawing people from every tribe, tongue, and nation into His Kingdom to worship Him for all of eternity in Paradise. With God the Father, Jesus seated, His work completed. We cannot work to earn that salvation, it has been secured in Christ. Only God can bring someone from death to life. We pray that He would do that in the life of N. We are merely called to walk in obedience to what we have been commanded to do. To "declare His glory among the nations, His marvelous deeds to all people" (Psalm 96:3). We have received new life, and we are indebted to the rest of the world to share that with them. Oh God, give us your Spirit, teach us to walk in obedience in your power. Remind us of what N said, "Every creature is made to worship God."

Not from me.

So, my last post was in February. Ha! I am a no blogger, just a poser. So, six months later, here I am! So many things have happened over these last six months; so many ups and downs and frustrations and rejoicing, and God has continually taught me about His faithfulness and provision and His beautiful, beautiful, consistency. His consistency is something that I cannot fathom, because I am so very inconsistent. I am unbelievably grateful knowing that He is unchanging. Even when I am overwhelmed, exhausted, worried about pleasing man or money or I am envious or self-righteous, He is unchanging. Unchanging in His holiness, justice, faithfulness, provision, sovereignty... I am asking that He teach me to rest in that truth.

This week, something has been happening that I can't recall ever happening in my whole life. Ever. My husband can agree with the fact that I am not good at getting out of bed in the morning. I typically snooze for a ridiculous amount of time, and when I actually do roll out of bed, I walk into the living room with my hair looking like a rats nest, and my eyes almost permanently closed (whether because of the blinding light, or the sleep crusties. That's a gross word-crusties.) But this week, something really bizarre has been happening. When my alarm goes off at, gasp, 5:30 in the morning, as much as I really desire to go back to sleep, there is a stronger desire within me. Although I usually do snooze for about 15 more minutes, around 5:45 or 5:50 I have an overwhelming compulsion to get up. This is something that is not coming from within, because as my husband would also say, I am serious about sleeping. I thoroughly enjoy it- everything about it. Comfy bed, cold pillows, darkness, finishing an interesting dream...I love to sleep. But this week, for the first time that I can ever remember, a stronger desire has taken over. I don't want to sleep later or longer, because I don't want to miss out on something. Something that I used to not give first priority to, but in the last 6-7 months, has quickly become the most cherished time of my day.

I don't want to sleep in, because I want to read.

What? It's so bizarre. I have been a Believer for 12 years now, and never once can I remember a length of time in my life like this; a time where I am so eager and excited to open God's Word, to study it, to know it, be challenged and rebuked and changed by it. For the first time in my walk, I am tackling books like Job, which I have always avoided! Of course, I have to pray for Father to give me understanding because it is SO dense sometimes. But I can never remember a time like this before. A time where I genuinely feel what David might've felt when he wrote these words:

"The law of the LORD is perfect, reviving the soul; the testimony of the LORD is sure, making wise the simple; the precepts of the LORD are right, rejoicing the heart; the commandment of the LORD is pure, enlightening the eyes; the fear of the LORD is clean, enduring forever, the rules of the LORD are true, and righteous altogether. More to be desired are they than gold, even much fine gold; sweeter also than honey and drippings of the honeycomb." (Ps. 19:7-10)

Sweeter than honey. His Word is sweeter than honey to me, and I've never felt that before! It's so exciting, the Bible. Getting to open the pages and literally READ the very words of God. Holy cow! I am honored, yet still don't even understand the magnitude of what I hold in my hands every morning. The coolest thing though?

this.isn't.from.me.

It couldn't possibly be, for "I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh" (Ro 7:18). Psalm 14 says that God looks down on us to see if there are any who understand him, and that we have all turned aside and become corrupt; "there is none who does good, not even one." So I find in myself lately this overwhelming desire to read God's Word, but I know that nothing in me is good- nothing in my flesh wants that. So, the only reason it could be there, is because He put it there! God in heaven, powerful, majestic, merciful Creator, put in my heart and mind the desire to read His Word to know Him more. Wow. I am floored by that. A huge factor in this coming about is being married to John. I have witnessed in him a great love and reverence for the Scriptures, and it has made me uncomfortable and challenged me in just settling for crumbs when there is a literal FEAST at my fingertips. God has used him to sharpen me in this area, and I am so grateful to Him for that. He has answered my prayer to desire His Word (Oh sinful human that I am, that I have to pray for a desire to read the Words of God!). He is faithful in answering prayer. He is faithful in instilling in His children a love for His Word, where we are clearly exposed to His character, which brings the fruit of a desire and passion for His desires and passions to be lived out and put in action. Wow wow wow. He is accomplishing His purpose of His glory through His children.

So it would seem that I am a terrible blogger. Maybe I should make a calendar/schedule of things to blog about, I bet that would help. Maybe it's that so many things go in in my brain and I just don't know what one thing to talk about. So the options are either write a blog entry that talks about a billion things, or just to not write at all. And it appears that I have been reverting to the second option.

So I will try to be better about this, for no particular reason other than I started this blog so I should actually update it.

I applied to graduate school at DBU last week. Filled out the application, answered all the questions, gave letters of recommendation, transcripts; I even wrote a resume for the first time in my life.

Big step.

Scary step.

Exciting step.

Mysterious step.

Okay so that last one sounded a little cheesy, but it is mysterious! I have no idea what will happen...

If I'll get accepted.
If I'll get a substantial amount of scholarships/grants.
If I don't get those scholarships/grants, how or if we'll be able to pay for it.
If the Lord does provide a way, if grad school will kick my butt.
How it will affect mine and John's marriage in a positive way.
How it will affect mine and John's marriage in a negative way.

So, there's the mystery. But we shall see in time! I have been praying that if we were gonna have to pay a lot of money for me to go (money which we don't have) that the Lord would just close the door and I wouldn't get accepted.

I don't know that this is necessarily a bad prayer, someone made a comment that it's the "easy way." I don't think I agree with that. I only pray that so that we will have definite clarity and confirmation on what we're supposed to do.

However, if I get accepted and don't get everything paid for through scholarships/grants, I am excited to see how the Lord will provide and what he will teach John and I through that situation. He has already brought us through one time of really having to trust and wait on him, and that could be another opportunity for him to continue teaching those things that are so necessary in a God-centered marriage.

So there, there's an update. One of the billions of things floating around in my head is now on the world wide web. Eeesshhh....

New in my Life....

1. I learned how to use our water filter pitcher.

For a week I thought we were drinking "filtered" water. I was wrong. I had just put pouring the water into the pitcher and thinking that the hanging filter just buzzed it and filtered it, I guess. I was wrong. You have to pour it in the top and it goes through the filter into the pitcher. So NOW we are drinking filtered water. It tastes a lot better than "filtered" water.

2. I have a new home.

I love being in our apartment. The Lord has blessed us with a nice and comfy place, and we want to be good stewards of it, so come eat dinner with us at our apartment, whoever is reading this.

3. I have a husband.

"yet for us there is one God, the Father, from whom are all things and for whom we exist, and one Lord, Jesus Christ, through whom are all things and through whom we exist."
1 Cor 8:6

It's beginning to look a lot like...

Christmas.
I still remember being a little girl and all the excitement that came with Christmas. Eagerly counting down the days until Christmas Eve. Packing the car with presents and food as we went to Uncle Joe's that night. The whole family would eat spaghetti (except for me, just salad and bread. Spaghetti? Gross.) and we'd eat lots of sweets and drink that stuff that is basically melted Red Hots. I remember the big tree with all the presents, making s'mores in the fireplace, going outside to throw carrots on the roof for Rudolph (not knowing that they usually just fell off on the other side). We would dig under the tree for the presents with OUR names and stack them in a big pile in front of us, waiting for Uncle Joe to say "okay, you can open your presents.....now! Driving around and looking at Christmas lights.

Man, those were the days.

It's not quite the same anymore. No more big tree, no more pile of presents for me (that has moved on to the little ones...darn), no more throwing carrots on the roof or smores or looking at lights or Red Hot drinks. Ever since those days ended I always find myself a little sad around Christmas Eve, I guess just remembering how it used to be when I was a kid. It's a good thing that those things I miss are not what Christmas is all about. But if you wanna know what Christmas is all about, ask me, Linus from Peanuts, Steve Swofford from FBC Rockwall, or check out Luke 2 or John 3:16. That is what it's all about- praise Father that sovereign grace and mercy never fade like presents or falling carrots.

Moving.
One week from this Saturday, John and I (and some lovely friends and family :) ) begin moving our stuff into our new home! Well, apartment, but our home! We went Sunday and signed the million page long lease, got some measurements for curtains and such, and just got more excited. I have begun the dreaded packing process. So far I have figured out (in my room at least) what is staying here and what is going, but haven't started packing a thing yet. That's okay. The Lord has been so faithful to provide for things (furniture, bedding, kitchen gadgets, 1 towel, haha) for us to start our life together. I am so grateful to Him and to the great friends and family through whom He used to provide. This is very, very exciting, and I just have to stop and thank the Lord over and over again for His provision. Oh, and I cannot forget to praise Him for the greatness that is Craigslist. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, Jesus.

Wedding.
If we are moving in a week from Saturday, that means we are getting married 2 weeks from Saturday. 2 1/2 weeks! Holy moly. That is craziness. I am starting to do last minute wedding stuff with the sister and matron of honor- gluing ribbons onto things, counting stuff, planning, drawing pictures, last minute shopping. Man- this is really going down! So crazy. I haven't really gotten a chance to sit down and think about the actual ceremony itself since we've been in the planning/buying stage, but I guess sometime over the next week we will have to plan the ceremony/reception and get to really realize that we are getting married. So wild. Thank you Father. We go to get our marriage license tomorrow :)

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas, Moving time, Wedding time, time for changes basically. Thank you Father for remaining constant.

I talked to a mother who said she didn't want her daughter to go overseas to a country with a high Muslim population.

I said okay, I understand your concern.

What I really wanted to say is "Ma'am, do you know what the fastest growing Religion in the United States is?"

Islam.

Maybe you shouldn't let your daughter walk out the front door.

Top Line for Bottom Line.

Last Thursday myself, Kent, and AC were at Ouachita University for Refuge. We went to do some recruiting for iGO, and AC was the speaker at this weekly bible study that they do. After Aaron spoke, we were singing in worship to the Lord, and the band started playing Crowder's newest most popular song, "How He Loves." (Originally written and recorded by John Mark McMillan, you should check his out, too) At some point during this song, this kind of realization hit me that I have never really thought about before. I am surely not the first person to think about this, it's probably actually kind of embarrassing that I've never realized this before.

Since my introduction to the world of iGO in the summer of 2005, our core value of "Bottom Line" has totally changed my perspective of God, the Word, my life and calling....everything. It has given me a new lens through which to see the world and my Father. Bottom Line is the Scriptural truth that although God is concerned about blessing and caring for His children, He is ultimately concerned about His glory- about his Name being declared to every people, tribe, and tongue.

For some reason while singing "How He Loves," I realized that even Top Line is Bottom Line.....that God loves us, provides for us, saves us, because He is concerned for His name and glory. His desire is for worshippers around the world to love and serve Him...to share His glory. He pursues and loves and blesses us and HIS name is glorified because of that- bringing more people into the Kingdom. In 1 Chronicles 16:35, Asaph and his brothers are singing and they say "Save us, O God of our salvation, and gather and deliver us from among the nations, that we may give thanks to your holy name, and glory in your praise." We see this all throughout the Pentateuch as well, God has made up his mind that He will destroy the Israelites...that He will wipe them out and start over with Moses. So many times Moses basically tells God "Please don't do this, for your namesake save us, and other nations will glorify you because of this salvation." God saves us and loves us because His name receives glory because of it, and more people proclaim His name because of this grace and His good gifts.

This doesn't in anyway take away from the fact that He genuinely loves us, and wants to be in relationship with us. I can't wrap my brain around it, but somehow, I believe, God loves us and saves us for His glory alone, but that doesn't lessen the authenticity of His love for us. I guess I have always compartmentalized these two things- I thought that Top Line and Bottom Line were two separate things. It's so silly that I am just now thinking this way, but it's so clear. If God is really concerned about His glory, bottom line (which I believe He is), then it would just make sense that even the top line stuff (Him blessing us, pursuing us, saving us, bestowing His grace upon us) is about His glory and His name as well.

"Help us, O God of our salvation, for the glory of your name; deliver us, and atone for our sins, for your name's sake!" Psalm 79:9

My name is Sleepy.

It is cold, I am sleepy, and I am at work. Right about now I would appreciate a fuzzy blanky and a big comfy bed.

I plan on taking a nap when I leave here.

The art of napping is something that has almost completely left my life since the entrance of John Rogers. My prime nap day is Sunday, and since I now spend Sundays with John, naps occur less and less often. It is totally worth it, the whole spending time with John thing, but I miss naps.

Today, I will remember the art of napping, and I am looking very forward to this.

Favorite.

This morning, there was frost on the grass. FROST!

I am very excited. This is my favoritest time of year. Ham and dressing. Sweet potato pie. Putting up the Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving. Officially being able to listen to Christmas music. Charlie Brown Christmas. Hot Chocolate. White Christmas. Sweatpants and fuzzy socks. Peacoats. Scarves. Awkward family Christmases. Elf. It's a Wonderful Life. A Christmas Story (far too many times). THE Christmas Story (can never be heard too many times). My first iGO Christmas Party. Christmas Eve at Uncle Joe's. Being under a comfy blanky with my mom reading a good book. That smell outside...it just smells like Christmas. Pumpkin Sheet Cake. Awesome hymns at church. First Christmas with John. Last Christmas as a single woman!

Wowza!

Anyway, this post is simply dedicated to the truth that I LOVE THANKSGIVING AND CHRISTMAS!

Retreat.

Yesterday and today we had our iGO staff retreat. All 14 of us made the long trek to the booming metropolis of Palmer, Texas. Population just under 2,000. But let's be honest, the real Palmer is like population 50 with about 7,000 bulls, steer, cows, and longhorns? I ask that in the form of a question because apparently I fail to realize the difference. Though Shu and Ky tried to explain it to me, I really don't think this is something I will lose sleep over. All I know is that the house/big house/really really big house that we stayed in had about 1,000 additional dead animals represented inside. Let's not go there. I suppose they felt they had to make up for the serious lack of catchable fish in the pond.

Praise the Lord for faithful and generous supporters who are gracious to lend us (one of) their home(s) so that we can get away and spend some quality time eating, talking, praying, eating, throwing the football, eating, making a fire, cooking smores (smore what?), eating, "Cheer"ing, did I mention eating? We also ate. Often.

In all seriousness, the last 24 hours was so fruitful. Not only cause we ate lots of fresh fruit, which did happen. I told you we ate, right? Not only was it refreshing to get away in the middle of nowhere with a gorgeous home and beautiful view, it was so good to fellowship with other staff members, to get to know them on a deeper level, to vision cast for the future of iGO, to talk about what's missing, what's going well, to pray for one another, and to just be reminded and humbled at the fact that we even get to be a tiny part of this far greater thing that the Lord is doing...reaching the nations for His glory. Wow! On a personal level it was just refreshing for me to get away, be in a new place, and be forced to be a little more intentional with listening to the still, soft voice of the Father. This morning, praise Jesus, was one of the sweetest times I have had in the Word in a long time. Some would say I got my batteries recharged, others might say the Lord gave me a swift kick in the bottom, I would say...all of the above.

I'm at this place where I am questioning where I am gifted and why I am gifted and how that plays into this ministry that the Lord has called me to and burdened me for. How the heck am I gifted? I don't feel gifted in evangelism, which is funny, cause I work for a missions agency. I don't know if I am gifted in teaching, because I don't get to do it often enough to hone the skill even if I did have it. I mean, I've done spiritual gifts surveys and all that, but I just don't know how accurate those are played out in real life. I guess it's just that I have the desire to recognize where the Father has gifted me and how that fits in with what I could be doing at iGO, and how the Father will (hopefully) use me in future ministry at whatever church He calls John and I to.

I also really really really really really really wanna go to grad school/feel called to grad school but my logical mind is just going crazy over this and I have no clue what to do about that or what it would look like.

Oh well.

One day at a time, Lord.

PS- Sharpie pens are my new favorite. I mean, wow.

Something's Missing.

It may be the fact that it has now been over six months since I have graduated college and taken classes, or possibly because I have had less and less quality time with my faithful journal, or maybe just that the good 'ole days of xanga are too far gone....but lately I have really missed writing.

Not necessarily writing anything of importance like research papers or anything like that...which I do miss. I know that's weird. It's maybe that I feel like I never get alone time for myself and my head to just sit and think and be. Is that weird? Maybe. It's probably weirder because if I'm putting my head and thoughts onto....keyboard....and onto the World Wide Web, it is no longer just for myself. But I think better when typing, so I suppose that's a risk I am willing to take. That's assuming of course that someone will read this, which let's be honest, is not likely. Whew.

Six months since I have graduated college. WOW. That's odd. Time flies when you are totally busy and sometimes stressed and occasionally overwhelmed with life and its goodness and fullness and sometimes loneliness. These last few months have been some of the hardest yet most beautiful months of my life.

Let's see.....May 2 changed a lot of things. I walked across the stage and into the happy embrace of Dr. Bob E. Riley as he told me congratulations on completing 4 years at "EDBU." As a freshman, nobody prepares you for what happens to you on that day. You go through 4 years minus one day of laughter, community, sorrow, homework, nasty cafeteria food, growing time, stupid time, and Intramural Championships (what what!) and then the last day all of a sudden....it.is.over.

All of the community that you worked so hard at, cried for, yelled about, smiled because of....all of that is gone. Sure you are still friends and you text every few days and there's the occasional random phone call. But it's never the same, not like that. I left school and came to Combine, Texas. WHERE? That's right. Combine. Middle of nowhere. No more late night runs to Whataburger or IHOP. No more hearing my roommates scream and laugh and fight and run around the apartment dressed very inappropriately. No more crying over the Father breaking us, or crying over the Father blessing us, or crying over Marley and Me or watching Twilight 10 times in one week. It's so different. And though the last 6 months the Lord has blessed me with another kind of community that has been very very sweet, I miss that community. And knowing that it will never be back the way that it was? Well that's enough to cry again.

But, thank the Father for his provision and his community. It's been so great getting to live at home before I get married and become one flesh with John. Spending time with mom and my brother and seeing my siblings more often....so good. So sweet. The Lord has shown me more and more the blessing of family and treasuring those moments and time together. I take them for granted far too often. Father forgive me! I realize more and more how selfish I sometimes am when I am with my family...so comfortable. Not taking a second to really talk to them, invest in them. Ah! Conviction.

John is a testimony to the faithfulness, abundance, provision, and LOVE of our Father. I mean, really. It is so neat to actually see the person that you have prayed for your whole life. The Lord constantly teaches me through John...sharpening me, convicting me, encouraging me, loving me, pursuing me. It is marvelous. Truly marvelous that my heavenly Father loves me so much that he would choose to love me through John the way that he does. Wow! So neat. I am blessed and grateful and honored that in less than two months I can call him my husband. He is leader, I am helper, and together we have the awesome gift and responsibility of showing the world a picture of the Gospel. The love of Christ for his bride, the church. I am humbled at this opportunity and calling Lord, please use us as one for Your glory.

Wow. That felt good.

I knew something had been missing.

Keyboard, it's nice to feel you, old friend.